WASHINGTON — Like many of you who understand the rules of driving in the snow -- which is, "don't treat it like you're 15 and getting your learner's permit, Molly, just frickin' drive" -- I was recently tailgating a suburban mother with four children in her van.
I knew she had a family of four because she had four little stick figure stickers and two adult stickers affixed to her rear window, which was caked with freshly dropped snowflakes from heaven.
And it occurred to me: I was furious she didn't realize how important my life was in that moment, and why I needed to pass her on a one-lane road with two-foot, snow-plowed banks. It also occurred to me Washington is one of the worst areas in humanity to drive in the snow. I know this because many of you have ruined my commute to work and home the past week.
It's not your fault that you can't drive as well as me in the snow; it's just who you are.
See, D.C. is one of the most transient places to live in America. We're not a melting pot, we're like an Insta-pot: We move here and we often don't stay long. And those that take our places aren't always as qualified to drive in the snow as us.
Because according to REAL ACTUAL statistical data, few of you know how.
Based on the U.S. Census Bureau's Washington, DC movement trends released in 2016, 1,095 people moved from Florida to the DC area between 2012 and 2016. Now, 631 people from Florida left the area.
Still, that's a gain of 464 Boca Raton-ers and Tallahassee-ans, who have no idea how to drive in the snow. We also picked up another 260 snow-blind people from Arizona and 196 from Louisiana.
Explore the map below to see where D.C. residents came from – and left for:
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, 2012-2016 5-year American Community Survey
It's very possible all of them caused accidents over the last few years and, if not, at least impeded you from making that yellow light before it turned red. Which made you pick up your kid late from his Montessori school. Whose teachers tell him you don't care about your children. And, hence, you end up paying a mental-health professional thousands over the years because a bad driver made you look like a bad parent.
This isn't some arrogant take from the guy in a metallic gray minivan crawling up your backside on Wisconsin Ave., cursing your existence because in a 30-mph zone you are going....22...miles...per hour. No, I gave you facts, manipulated to support my point.
For example, I didn't tell you we picked up nearly 3,000 drivers from cold-weather states like Massachusetts, New York, Connecticut and Rhode Island, people who actually understand that driving in snow does not require a special license.
Did I mention 55 people from Vermont left Washington the past five years? I've never been behind anyone in a Subaru with a Vermont license plate that didn't know how to drive in the snow. Bernie Sanders doesn't count because he has a driver.
The first sign of a dusting in DC., major thoroughfares turn into a bumper-car line. We've had more fender benders in the DMV after a weekend flurry than all of NASCAR had in the last millennium.
A friend once tried to stop me from profusely swearing at anonymous rotten drivers. As I daydreamed of plowing through a glacially-moving SMART car in front of me one winter, he said that I will be a lot calmer and more balanced if I imagine the insufferable driver of the car in front of me as my higher power. He added this was the Creator's way of telling me to slow down.
I don't give him rides anymore.
Anyhow, as you negotiate foot-high walls of ice around Washington this week, I know what you're thinking; every city says it has the worst drivers, and the District and beyond aren't any worse at driving in bad-weather conditions than any other city. In fact, I was told this by a big-cheese boss whose identity I swore to protect. He told me I was essentially going on an egotistical rant.
Au contraire, my friend, au contraire.
Allstate's 2018 list of American cities you are most likely to get into an accident in came out recently. Washington, D.C., is third, behind just Baltimore and Boston. That's right, we get into an accident on an average of every 3.8 years per person. When you compare that to Brownsvillle, Texas, Allstate's best city for driving (which averages an accident every 13.8 years per person), heck, we practically live in the Demolition Derby capital of the world.
They keep talking about Car-mageddon. But I think it's Karma-geddon. As in, if you drive 3 miles per hour in the snow, karma will get you. If you drive like a sloth in the snow, you will run out of gas before you get to work. You will pick up your children late and, worse, you will make me pick up my children late.
So be careful out there, especially if you see a minivan trying to make a yellow light. Or you can move to Brownsville, Texas. Get a gig as an Allstate agent. It's a cushy job.